Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband’s grandmother expressed shock and dismay when we showed her the nursery we put together for our child, who is due in August. She believes ordering things for a baby before it’s born is bad luck and brings up how we are inviting disaster each time she sees us. Both my husband and my mother-in-law just say to ignore it, but it’s beginning to bother me. What’s a good way to rid her of these hang-ups?
—It’s All In Her Head
Dear In Her Head,
Unless the mothers in your husband’s family are quite young (and even if they are!), it’s a tremendous blessing that your grandmother-in-law is around to see your husband become a father. Older people tend to believe many things we don’t agree with; some are terrible and dangerous, but this particular belief is rather harmless. It’s an old superstition, and more people than you might know agree with her—and that’s okay! Make a point not to talk about nursery preparations in her presence. If she brings them up, let her know that you respect her thoughts, but you’ve made your own decision, and then change the subject. Perhaps you can redirect her by asking what sort of things she thinks you should be doing to prepare for the baby, or if there’s any advice she can share about early motherhood. This won’t be an issue for much longer. Politely tell her “Okay, Boomer” (in gentler words!) and move on.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My 12-year-old daughter, Karen, gets extremely upset when she hears her name used as an insult. How do I help her navigate a world that’s increasingly willing to use this microaggression against people who have absolutely no comeback? Anyone who complains about the use of the term is at risk of being accused of demonstrating exactly the kind of behavior that’s become associated with what really is a beautiful name.
—Wants Better for the World
Dear Wants Better,
Teach your daughter some witty comebacks for when someone makes a Karen joke in her presence: “I may be Karen, but I am not ‘A Karen!’” “This Karen minds her business and treats people with respect.” “I’m here to give Karens a good name again!” Be empathetic and let her know that it absolutely sucks that her name is being used in such a way, but she shouldn’t take it personally. Also, she’s not the only person to have her name become a punchline: “Becky” has been used pejoratively for white women for many years (though it never got to the level of Karen) and so-called “ethnic” names like “Shaniqua,” “Tyrone” and “Jesus” are often used to mock people of color. Help your daughter to understand why so-called “Karen behavior” is so problematic and why the term resonates with so many people. Sure, it may have been popularized in part by white man comedians, but for non-white people, so-called Karens can truly be dangerous. Encourage your daughter not to take the term personally and to do her best not to live up to the stereotype.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
During a conversation with my brother, “Braden,” a month and a half ago, I mentioned how I had to go out of the country on a business trip for a week and complained what a pain in the ass it would be to find someone reliable to take care of my parrots. Braden said he had some vacation time he needed to use and offered to watch them for me. It would be nice to have a change of scenery for him and his wife since they enjoy the area, he said. I thought that was perfect and agreed.
When I got back home, I was pleased to find my birds had been well-cared for. However, I was not happy when I went to get a drink and noticed much of my liquor had been used. I was even less pleased to find a used condom next to the waste basket in the guest room. After calling my brother and getting his voicemail, I called my sister-in-law, “Kelly.” I told her that while I appreciated them taking care of my birds and eating the food in my fridge was fine since they were staying at my place, I would have preferred they not use so much of my booze, and cleaned up after themselves.
Kelly responded with bewilderment and said they hadn’t been to my place. When I told her about my arrangement with Braden, she said I was crazy; according to her, Braden had been in Chicago at a conference for work all that week and never said anything about watching my parrots. I told Kelly I would review my Ring footage and call her back. When I looked, sure enough, there was my brother going into my house with his luggage the day I left—along with a woman who was NOT my SIL. Subsequent dates showed them coming and going at various times over the week until they finally left with their things the night before I was due home.
I called Kelly back and reluctantly broke the bad news to her. Kelly was devastated, and it took sending her the footage before she believed me. Now she is filing for divorce, and my brother is furious at me for telling Kelly and “breaking up his marriage.” To top it all off, my parents are angry with me as well (Braden went to live with them after Kelly kicked him out). They said I should have spoken to Braden about what I saw before going to Kelly with it. How can I get my parents to see that I didn’t create the situation and I’m not the bad guy here?
—Video Doesn’t Lie
Dear Video Doesn’t Lie,
Your parents will simply have to get over their frustration with you because you didn’t do anything wrong. Your brother is 100 percent responsible for these circumstances; not only did he choose to cheat on his wife in your home without your knowledge, he didn’t do a good job of hiding his tracks. Leaving a used condom in public view is lazy and trifling. Certainly, your brother knew you’d assume he’d brought his wife there, but he wasn’t wise enough not to leave evidence (most married couples don’t use condoms, it’s almost as if he was begging to get caught). Some may argue that when you realized what happened, you could have left it for your brother to tell his wife himself, but you’d already let her know that he had been at your house and that you had camera footage of him there. It wasn’t your responsibility to protect your brother from the consequences of his actions and if he wanted you to do so, he should have told you what he was intending to do instead of using your place as a shag pad without your permission. Tell your parents that you hate to see your brother in this predicament but it is wholly of his own making.
—Jamilah
